Holiday Gatherings: Navigating the Depth of Emotions that Older Adults, Adult Family Caregivers, and Siblings Experience
The holiday season is a time of warmth, tradition, and connection. Yet for older adults, their family caregivers, and their siblings, annual gatherings can become an intensely emotionally-charged experience.
For families navigating the changes that come with aging—whether it’s cognitive decline, physical frailty, or a change in living arrangements—the holidays amplify feelings of grief, stress, resentment, and even profound love.
Why the Holidays Suddenly Feel Different
Holiday traditions are about roles, traditions, and, to some degree, a routine. When one of our loved ones’ status changes, these familiar pillars start to crumble, leaving us with intense emotions.
For the Older Adult (Parent): They grieve the loss of who they once were. The inability to host, cook their signature dishes, and simply keep up with the chaos of a large family gathering can leave them feeling embarrassed, frustrated, and sad.
They may withdraw and become quiet or get agitated because the setting no longer feels safe, and the lack of tradition brings unpredictability. Find a role in the holiday gatherings for them that honors their place in the family but also feels safe to them.
For Adult Child Caregivers, the stress is magnified. Not only are they managing their usual duties, but they’re also navigating complicated logistics, hosting (or traveling), and managing the expectations of everyone else. This can lead to feelings of exhaustion, resentment, and even a need to control the environment.
They may seem to be more comfortable in the background, managing everything. Still, more often than not, they want to be present to engage in conversations and enjoy special moments with the rest of the family. Be sensitive to their intense level of stress and responsibilities, and be of service to them in any way you can, as well as to your older adult family member. Create family time with them as well to enrich your relationships.
For Their Siblings and Other Family Members: Gathering for the first time in months or maybe years can be a shock for your siblings and other family members’ routines and comfort levels. They may experience guilt for not being more involved, grief over the changes in their parent or relative, or judgment toward the adult child caregivers (“Why did you let Mom lose so much weight?” or “Dad seems fine—you worry too much!”).
The tension over who is doing enough runs deep.
Try to be sensitive to their “not knowing” and bring them into what is happening from a place of how they can best help.”
In the end, it’s all about family love.
Managing Expectations: Setting a New Standard
The most helpful thing your family can do is collectively agree to let go of expectations and the need to hang onto picture-perfect family traditions. Trying to recreate past holidays will only lead to disappointment.
Adjust the Goal: Shift the expectation from perfection to presence. The goal is not a perfect table setting and meal; it is simply to share meaningful time together.
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate: Before the gathering, the primary family caregiver should set clear boundaries. For example:
“Dad can handle about 90 minutes of noise before needing a quiet room, so let’s set that room up and timing in advance.”
“Please don’t ask Mom about her memory as she is generally unable to answer specific questions and might find it upsetting; instead, talk about her favorite old movies and favorite moments you have shared with her.”
Delegate Specific Care Tasks: Ask visiting siblings & other relatives to take on non-negotiable shifts where they will be responsible for Mom or Dad’s needs.
Simplify the Gathering & Schedule: Say no to an extra party. Opt for a short, mid-day gathering over a long evening event. If hosting is too much, explore a quiet restaurant or a comfortable common area in a community where the older adult resides, and bring delicious food in.
Create a “Safe Zone”: Designate a quiet room—dark, calm, and away from all the noise—where the older adult and the primary adult child caregiver can retreat when they get overstimulated.
Tips to Get Through Painful Emotions
When emotions flare—whether it’s a sudden outburst, tears, or sharp words between siblings—you need tools to de-escalate and keep your sense of peace.
1. The 5-Second Pause
Before reacting to a triggering comment or behavior, use this technique: Pause. Take a few deep, slow breaths. This delay interrupts the emotional surge, giving you both a chance to breathe and think. Try not to respond to the first thing you hear; instead, take those deep breaths and give yourself a moment to stand in the relative’s shoes, speaking to them from that place.
2. Embrace Validation
If your older loved one is confused or expresses sadness about the changes in their life, validate their emotions and later highlight the beauty of spending the day together as a family.
Validation reduces anxiety and strengthens your bond with one another.
3. Try Using “Perspective Reset” for Your Sisters and Brothers Who Aren’t As Involved.
When your family dynamics become tense, remind yourself (and perhaps others) that you are all grieving. The sibling who seems judgmental may be feeling guilt or fear. Approach them with empathy instead of defense.
4. The Caregiver’s 15-Minute Escape
If you are one of the primary adult child caregivers, schedule your own non-negotiable break. Step outside, listen to music in your car, or take a walk. This is not selfish; it’s essential.
Conclusion
The beauty of the holidays, even amidst the grief and stress, is the opportunity to witness the resilience and the power of family love.
By managing expectations up front, communicating openly, and giving yourself space to breathe, you can share meaningful holiday time together and gently open the door to creating new holiday traditions.
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WayMaker wishes you a Merry Christmas and hopes you find beauty in simple, profound moments with loved ones this holiday season.
Melanie (770) 954-6622